Where do I begin......?

I have no words to say how horrible I feel for neglecting this blog for the past couple of weeks. I have been going through a rough time and had shut myself off for most of the time. 

I don't like to admit this but I felt defeated and lost and I didn't want to think I just wanted everything to stop spinning and have my head in it's place again. I like to feel in control of what is going on and at that point I felt like I lost it all and that I was falling very fast into a bottom-less hole and there was no way out.

The darkest period went on for about a week where I barely ate anything and did anything, I did not communicate and basically stayed in bed all day for that entire week. I felt emotionally drained and not able to function.

Before that dark period, I was already in a not too good of a place which I noticed myself by not making too many videos (I felt like I was making videos on auto-pilot with no feeling) and not feeling inspired to blog. Which is why I neglected this blog by only posting once or twice a week. Whilst I normally would post every single day or every other day. 

Last week I started making videos again and also posted up two videos. In one of the videos I explained why I was MIA and received a lot of support for it from my YouTube friends. Reading their comments and messages really helped me to realize that there are people who care how I feel and don't want me to be in that dark place. I am so grateful for them.

I do realize it has been over a week since those videos and I did not return to my blog. Why you ask? I really did not feel the inspiration and the energy was back yet in order for me to sit down and face the darkness that I was facing. I was just getting out of it, whilst making a video and doing a short intro saying why I did not post any videos seemed easier. Than actually sitting down and typing all these words and having to think back at where I was. 

I don't want to get into too much detail of what triggered it and what has been going on. But just to let you know, when things go wrong everything goes horribly wrong and when you feel alone with no one who understands you, you truly feel more alone than ever no matter what people can say to you. 

But what I learned from this experience is that the best thing for me to do was to step back and take a break from everything. Even though it was hard to leave my blog and YouTube channel for that period of time. I had to as I was not happy and I still wanted my writing and my videos to have me in it and not the fake me who puts up a front to everyone and acts like nothing is wrong.

If you have made it through to the end of this blogpost. Thank you, thank you for reading my blog, thank you for taking the time out of your day for me, thank you for the support you have given me, thank you for understanding. I hope after this blogpost I can go back in creating regular blog posts again. Once again thank YOU! 

All the love,

Ellen